Teala posted a condolence
Friday, November 6, 2020
There's a photo of me with grandma that was taken a few years ago on her birthday. We are posing together, both looking slightly uncomfortable, like we would rather not be next to each other.
We meant to look like that though. This was our thing. Our strange little inside joke.
For the last several years, every time we spoke, or wrote to each other, we expressed our false disdain for one another. Grandma would sign my cards saying, "Love you... sort of" or "Happy Birthday. Not." Sometimes I would call my mom and grandma would happen to be with her. I would say something like, "Tell grandma I say hi, but that I don't really mean it." And grandma would relay a message through mom, back to me.
Something like, "Grandma says you're just terrible." And I would say something back like, "It takes one to know one." And in the background I could hear her gasp, "Oh!" the way she would when something was almost too naughty to laugh at. And then I could hear her giggling through the phone.
But it was all her fault we talked to each other this way.
One day when we were saying goodbye to each other, I leaned in, as always, and gave her a big hug. Then we pulled away from one another, for the usual exchange of "I love you", but this time she looked into my eyes and said with so much sweetness, "I hate you."
I didn't know how to respond. "Is she losing her mind?" I thought. But that didn't seem to be the case. I had seen her laugh and make light jokes with people before, but this was a side of her I didn't know existed. I realized something completely new and exciting about my grandma in that moment: She was silly!
I looked back at her with just as much sincerity and sweetness in my voice and I responded, "I hate you too."
Then she laughed. And I laughed too.
It was like we had just created our own language. One where "I hate you" means "I love you with all my heart." And I know she did.
And even though it wasn't exactly easy for me to tell my own grandmother I hated her, I just knew that she knew what it meant too. She knew it was all love.
From that moment on I felt much more connected to her. I think because I realized that we were more alike than I had ever known.
Suddenly she was just a silly girl. And so was I. And it felt so good to make her laugh. It felt so good to laugh together. And I'm so grateful I got to know that side of her.
Thank you Grandma.
Teala
